


This Time

by SecondFromTheRight



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 17:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18815848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecondFromTheRight/pseuds/SecondFromTheRight
Summary: When she finds the mother again, she thinks it’s another chance. She can be brave again, she can save someone, she can lead someone out like Yoren had for her, she can stand up for someone like Gendry had for her, she can take someone away from the fight like Sandor had for her, she can pick someone off the ground like Beric had for her… But she can’t do anything, she can’t save anyone.





	This Time

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this really for Arya dealing, but especially as a way to put some of the paralleling she's had this season into something.
> 
> Spoilers for 8x5 (I know it hasn't aired everywhere yet.)

As The Hound grabs her, picks her up and takes her away and all she can do is watch as Beric gets stabbed, over and over, Arya feels as useless as she did when Gendry hauled her away from The Hound. She isn’t powerless like then. At least, she’s not supposed to be. But she watches Beric get taken down again, she watches him die again as she’s dragged away and can do nothing, just like before.

She knows Beric won’t come back this time though.

What was it he’d told her as she’d screamed at The Hound to burn in hell, when Gendry was the one to hold her back? When suddenly he was alive again.

_“He will, but not today.”_

Is it today now? Is this where they all burn?

She’d hated them then, both of them. She wanted them both dead; she wanted to be the one to do it. Now it looks like they’ll all die together.

She hears him take his last breath this time; he’s in her arms, not Thoros’ and she doesn’t have the power to bring him back. She tries to remember her training, tries to remember everything that’s taught her not to be that powerless ever again.

_“What do we say to the God of Death?”_  
_“Not today.”_

 

 

It happens again. She’s that powerless, again. Reduced to ducking, and dodging as things crumble around her. She gets dragged away with the crowd, she gets pushed down, trampled.

It’s the same as the last time she walked these streets by herself. Lost, alone, and in loss. All her training, all her determination and belief in who she was, what she could do, and why she was here – where she was going – none of it matters anymore. Here in this moment she’s as useless as everyone else running for their lives, as everyone else who is also losing everything they care about too, their entire world, as she was after her father was taken.

She needs a hand up like she needed Yoren.  
Like she’d needed Gendry.  
Like she’d needed Sandor.  
Like she’d needed Beric.

Other people’s screams are different this time.  
Other people’s terror is different this time.  
It was just hers last time.  
She was the only one running for her life last time. For her's, and her father's.

Now the chaos that was just in her head is displayed all around her.

She remembers before, when she felt she was being chased, when the Goldcloaks were coming for her. Trying to get out. Now that’s in front of her, in everyone running as fast as they can, in everyone’s fear and confusion.  
She remembers before, when she couldn't get through the standing crowd to save him, to try, to say goodbye. Now no one is still, everyone is trying to save themselves, everyone is hoping this isn't goodbye.

Cheers, and judgement echoed around her last time. She didn't think there could be anything worse. This is worse. Screams and fear is worse.  
One life lost last time. She didn't think there could be anything worse. This is worse. Thousands is worse.

Arya would say she knows death, but she doesn’t know this. She doesn’t know people charred alive.  
Arya would say she knows war, but she doesn’t know this. She doesn’t know people in heaps, bleeding out in front of their homes. She doesn’t know people slaughtered by storefronts.

And even after Winterfell, with so much fire and flame, she doesn’t know ash like this.  
And even after Winterfell, with the blood of the undead on her, she doesn’t know being covered in the remains of dead people like this.

She looks back, through as much smoke as she can at what she thinks may be left standing of The Red Keep, where she would have died if Sandor hadn’t saved her, again. She thinks it may still be on fire, the way some darker smoke seems to keep rising.

_“Burn in hell!”_  
_"He will, but not today."_

Today is here.  
Is this hell?

She hopes he found his revenge before he burned.

She’d take it back, if she could. Arya didn’t think she believed in going back, in changing what had happened. She’s prepared herself to mark the afterwards, to be in control of the afterwards. But she’d change that, she'd take it back. Telling him _“Thank you.”_ was the best she could do. She didn’t get to say to that to Beric, she couldn’t.

When she finds the mother again, she thinks it’s another chance. She can be brave again, she can save someone, she can lead someone out like Yoren had for her, she can stand up for someone like Gendry had for her, she can take someone away from the fight like Sandor had for her, she can pick someone off the ground like Beric had for her… But she can’t do anything, she can’t save anyone.

There isn’t a shift during the battle like The Red Woman gave her in Winterfell, where she realises she isn’t powerless, where she knows what to do, and she does it. There’s a few moments here where she thinks she has it, the fight, where she think she remembers who she is…but she loses it over and over.

How can she say _not today_ to death when she’s the only one left standing? When death is the only thing left? Why should only she get to say it? Is she death itself? She does, anyway. She says it again, as she rides out of hell.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Especially to any kudos and comments.
> 
> <https://secondfromtheright.tumblr.com/>


End file.
